What fictional attorney would you hire to represent you if you ever get caught?
I’d go straight for Perry Mason. He’s never lost a case, and I like that track record. He’s definitely gotten defendants out of tighter pinches than the one I’d be in.
It’ll be stressful as I sit in jail waiting. My nerves will be shot when the trial has its share of missteps as Perry tries and fails to break the wrong witnesses. But when Paul strides in and whispers in Perry’s ear, I’ll know he’s found that bit of evidence that exonerates me. And I know he worked hard to do it too, bless his heart.
The witness on the stand will crack like dry spaghetti. That self righteous smirk will peel off Hamilton Burger’s face. In your face, I’ll say once the gavel comes down to acquit me. Sure, it’ll be spiteful, but after what he put me through, can you blame me?
And then I can spend a little quality time with Paul Drake. There was something intriguing about that big blond guy. He was a thorough investigator, looked sharp in a suit, but could beat up the meanest thugs. Unlike Perry, Paul knew the score. Plus he liked chocolate ice cream, and pretty much ate anything you put in front of him, a trait that I appreciate more now that I have a picky eater in the house.
What did Della see in Perry anyway? Paul was cuter, taller, and a lot more fun. Although both clearly had massive commitment issues, Paul did eventually get married and have little Paul Jr. at some point. Perry just got portly.
So, if I were to get caught, I’d want Perry on my side. But I won’t need him, because I’ll never get caught. Because I’m innocent. Innocent. Innocent.
I didn’t get to answer last week’s question about ways to dispatch murder victims, but my good friend, and fellow mystery writer, Hal Glatzer sent me a link to a video on just this topic.
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